Fight or Flight

Looking back I can point out places where I've made mistakes: bought the truck when I knew I shouldn't, quit the job though I ought to have waited, and many more. It makes me wonder if I have screwed things up too much, that perhaps God's plan for me is somehow lost or impossible because of the choices I've made.

There is the fight or flight reaction that people have to problems that they face and crises. I'm not proud to admit it, but I'll avoid certain calls if I don't want to deal with the confrontation, I'll skip family gatherings because of the awkwardness, and I put off breaking up with a particular guy I was dating because I just didn't want to be mean- I know these don't make much sense. But when it comes to facing my problems I tend to want to run. I've literally ran away from another guy when he tried to confess his feelings for me. I am that bad at facing confrontation. 

Today I just wanted to disappear. All of my worries and problems just seemed to swell up like a giant wave and crushed me. And since I couldn't disappear. I ran away, again. Or at least I tried to, for a moment. So I got on my bicycle and pedaled over miles with no destination in mind. I just wanted to race away from my problems, from feeling like somehow I have failed.

The day was beautiful, and it felt so good to be outside in the cold sunshine. It felt good to use my legs and blaze past trees, people, and buildings. It felt good to feel the icy air against my face and hands. It felt good to talk to Him and ask Him if I have screwed up His plans for me. As I rode I realized God still has a plan for me. I could continue trying to out ride and run away from my problems like I used to but I'm not that girl anymore. I'm different. I have to grow up and face my obstacles and trust that somehow I haven't failed, not yet.

See, a failure isn't a person at all. It's the ending of a story, of a project or an event. Until my story is over, until my life is completed I can't say I've been a failure or success because this story just isn't over yet. People can live lives that are successful in their goals, dreams, aspirations, or are failures. But they themselves are not successes or failures, just what they did. And we are more than what we do.

Just my thoughts for now at least. Either way, I know God still has a plan for me. So as the sun set I rode my way back home, to face my problems, fears and worries armed with the knowledge and assurance that somehow, someway things will be ok, maybe even great.