Overcome

This week I have been overcome with such a deep sense of being loved. There have been two distinct moments but the first and far more powerful came from Confession. The second I'll try to tell about later.

Having grown up in a rather anti-Catholic family, coming into the Catholic Church has been a long process for me. I've debated nearly every issue along the way and there were a number of time when I explicitly said, "I would never become Catholic!" But through God's grace and a heart so desperately hungry for Him I have come to admit I was very wrong before and have been eagerly awaiting the moment when I become a full part of the Catholic faith. One of the subjects that I has fought against was the need to confess to a priest- why should I tell a priest when I can just tell God and ask for forgiveness from Him in my own room on my own time? Or I would argue that I can have a mentor or accountability partner with whom I could voice my struggles and failures to, why do I supposedly need a priest? But as I did my own research and asked questions and my goodness, did I spend lots of time in prayer asking the Holy Spirit to show me if these things were right or wrong and Him DOING SO I have come to the point of excitement about going to my first Confession! That's right! I was excited about confessing all of my sins to a priest who is practically a stranger to me.

What changed? Going from anti-Catholic to I-can't-wait-to-become-a-Catholic is a huge leap, a great change and well I am thankful. Pursuing God and spending time with Him, asking questions and prayerfully considering what was before me always asking the Holy Spirit to lead me. And having someone who expressly loved me who would explain things as best as he could and would debate with me, but more importantly pray with and for me.

Going back to my first Confession. I had been told that it's best if you prayerfully ask the Holy Spirit to bring to mind all the sins you should confess and write them out as a list. And I did, not all of my sins but most of them. I have two notebooks, one is blue and used as a journal and the other is a black notebook for scribbling out ideas and sketching and all. I wrote down my list to confess in the black notebook. Yet while waiting in line for my turn in the confessional I discovered that I had brought the wrong notebook! So I began looking over the pamphlet that covers a basic break down of the 10 Commandments and the 7 Deadly Sins and general information concerning Confession. But it wasn't until I asked again for the Holy Spirit to illuminate my mind and bring to mind the roots of my sins and to know, truly know, how I have hurt and offended Him that things became much more clear. I was overcome with the knowledge of just how wretched I was and have been to my Lord. I could barely keep myself from weeping. And ooh, the Holy Spirit truly did let me know the roots of ALL my sins. I entered into the Confessional, tears flowing freely and a voice barely able to talk I told that dear priest it all. And then after giving me a beautiful penance, he spoke the words which made all the arguments about "why does anyone need to confess to a priest?" seem silly and based on the fact that they simply don't know.

A priest is acting in persona Christi- in the person of Christ. Meaning they are acting on behalf of Jesus, letting His roll be manifest through them is another way of thinking about it. So when the priest gave me absolution and said "know that your sins are forgiven," it was Jesus saying it. Just as Jesus told the women brought by her accusers who had caught her in the act of adultery, "go and sin no more," she felt absolute love, so I have NEVER felt so LOVED and KNEW I was so loved before. The priest makes tangible the forgiveness of Christ, of His love for us. Yes, we can go to God in prayer on our own and receive forgiveness but it does not compare to humbling ourselves to admit our sins to a priest and to have that priest acting through the power of Christ pour out the love and forgiveness of Christ upon us. The Holy Spirit is act work within us to make us aware of our sins against God the Father, and we come to Jesus to have our offenses forgiven and it is through Jesus that we receive the freedom to come to the Father cleansed and forgiven to join the Holy Trinity more deeply in relationship.