Truth Be Told

I need to change things up and revamp this blog! So be ready for changes!!

Right Now it Just Hurts

Ever have your world come crashing down around you and you can only stand there. Running away doesn't help because you can't escape you. And fighting it doesn't help, because what are you fighting against? And fighting won't stop things from falling apart. That's been the summary of my life the last month. All I can do is trust in God. He hasn't and won't abandon me, even though it feels like He's far away, He isn't. He is near and I have to hold on to that. I would rather not say what happened, just know that the worse things that you face, someone else HAS faced before and survived, and NOT JUST survived but came through it all better and stronger and sweeter. And if that doesn't give you some comfort, hold on to the fact that God is near and talk to Him, give Him your sorrows.

Oh, how I wish things would have ended differently for this chapter of my life. Yet, I must trust that God is in control even though it is gut twistingly difficult. Because He IS.

Overcome

This week I have been overcome with such a deep sense of being loved. There have been two distinct moments but the first and far more powerful came from Confession. The second I'll try to tell about later.

Having grown up in a rather anti-Catholic family, coming into the Catholic Church has been a long process for me. I've debated nearly every issue along the way and there were a number of time when I explicitly said, "I would never become Catholic!" But through God's grace and a heart so desperately hungry for Him I have come to admit I was very wrong before and have been eagerly awaiting the moment when I become a full part of the Catholic faith. One of the subjects that I has fought against was the need to confess to a priest- why should I tell a priest when I can just tell God and ask for forgiveness from Him in my own room on my own time? Or I would argue that I can have a mentor or accountability partner with whom I could voice my struggles and failures to, why do I supposedly need a priest? But as I did my own research and asked questions and my goodness, did I spend lots of time in prayer asking the Holy Spirit to show me if these things were right or wrong and Him DOING SO I have come to the point of excitement about going to my first Confession! That's right! I was excited about confessing all of my sins to a priest who is practically a stranger to me.

Preparation

Preparations begins with today.

I've developed and made the bad habit of procrastinating. This includes putting off my taxes, avoiding signing up for Nurse Delegation (a class I need to have completed within 90 days of my hire date...), sleeping in instead of going outside to run and so much more.

Where I Work: Part II

I wrote last week about where I work. This week that post continues in a whole new light and perspective.

Where I Work

Where I work it is busy and taxing. Yet I know that at least for right now, I am supposed to be there. That knowing makes all the difference. Each day I spend washing dishes, dolling out medicine, feeding the residents and doing their laundry has purpose beyond the fact that these maybe the most mundane tasks. I want to laugh, because I realize how important it is that I can actually DO those things! I can tie my own shoes and brush my own teeth! I can walk on my own and get out of bed, things I have taken for granted my whole life thus far. The little things are to be cherished to be sure, but there are the big things that I see differently too.

Let's Get To The Point

Since I'm in Washington State there have been some political issues that have been on the forefront of the news. Homosexuality and laws concerning marriage, along with health care and all. But what I was most surprised about were some of the pictures people have been posting on Facebook. Pictures of bump stickers and comments like, "If I saw that car I would key it!" (This comment was based on a bumper sticker supporting marriage to be only legal between a man and a woman). Ironically this comment was probably the nicest comment on there! I was shocked. Whatever happened to freedom of speech? The person's bump sticker that was in question may have offended people, but don't they have the right to have a different view, a different stand on those issues? I know far too many people who have voiced their views that marriage should remain between a man and woman and have been threatened because of it. Who is being threatened for supporting homosexual marriage? Not one person that I have heard of (notice I said, "I have heard of"). So why this viciousness? What happened to discussing ideas and views and being non-malicious, non-violent?

One of the comments said, "What an ignorant *****!" I found this incredibly ironic because there was no way the person commenting knew the owner of the car, which means they have NO IDEA if the owner had any understanding of the issue the bumper sticker was about- thus the person commentating was displaying their own true ignorance. Additionally, the word used to describe that person, well that is never acceptable... no matter who you are. Sadly, this is getting to be more and more commonplace. Those who are of a different belief, view, idea, opinion are being attacked because of it. Since when has that ever been acceptable? If people on EITHER side of the issues are acting with violence the law needs to step in- regardless of the view the person held and give justice according to what was done. Whether or not someone supports homosexual marriage should never be cause for threats, degradation or maliciousness... Just saying.

The Reawakened Longing

There is this ache deep within me, a longing and hunger that gets stirred up sometimes. I long for home. And home isn't the place where I currently am, sure this place is "home" but not home. I feel silly as little tears running down my cheeks because this ache has produced a lump in my throat. What is it that I long for? True, deep belonging that wells up out of being loved and loving. And it isn't a place really, it's Him. I long for Him.

Peace, Be Still

"Be still, and know that I am God..."

- Psalm 46:10.

Today has been full- running around with my best friend and his boy! We explored the new library in our city and you will not believe how excited we ALL were about the Legos that were there! They had built a play place in the library! How cool is that? It wasn't until I was searching his truck for my cell phone, it had dropped out of my purse, that things weren't so wonderful. See, tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, a day when we attend church to begin preparing for Easter and start Lent. Once I found my phone I gave my friend Allison a call. She is the one with the car I've been hoping for!

Thankful!

I'm so grateful for today! This morning's orientation for my CNA position began early and ran late, but I got to drive there and back this time! (YAY for not having to bike 20 miles!) My friend Allison invited me over to hang out with her and her four charming children whom I adore. She made me some of the more delicious brownies I have ever had and I was able to help her out with a number of things. I'm thankful for finally being able to catch up with my best friend on the phone. There has been so much I've wanted to share with him and haven't been able to all week. I'm thankful for uncountable things that have gone on, I feel truly blessed, loved and cared for! What are you thankful for?

I Think I Can, I Think I Can, OOOh I HOPE I Can!

Yesterday was my first day of training at my new job. Sadly The Sasquatch, my truck, still needs a new fuel filter, which means I rode my bike there. Now I like Google maps for the most part. They have been incredibly helpful and reliable! HOWEVER yesterday Google maps failed me. I also learned the incredible benefits of my work history and actually having a strong work ethic.

Swallowing My Pride

Ever come across someone you regularly have to see and be around that just annoys you? They don't really do anything wrong, they just have personality quirks or something that is just annoying? I do. There a particular person who is in fact a WONDERFUL person. This individual is very loving, caring, enthusiastic, knowledgeable, and talkative. I have a very difficult time loving this person. I find that this fellow human being (I'm trying to refrain from giving information that would pin-point this individual out), is too enthusiastic about their knowledge and would talk far longer than I am conditioned to listening to.

Interview Recap, The Blackout, and Coffee

Tonight I've discovered several things.

1. I should never drink coffee again.
2. I am the only person in my family to own ANY candles.
3. I own 2 candles- both of which were gifts.
4. If my family experienced a power outage for a long period of time we are completely and utterly unprepared.
5. I couldn't have found two jobs that work so seamlessly together on my own, like the two jobs I applied for.
6. God answers prayers (a reoccurring discovery).

All At Once!

This morning was bright and clear when my former co-worker and lovely friend texted me, "Would you be interested in a job?" YES! Turns out my friend's mom is an HR rep for several private businesses, one of which is an adult care home. My friend noticing her mom's distress at finding the right person suggested me! So come tomorrow at 5pm I have an interview! But the day just gets better!

Poetry

Remember in high school English classes when there was that one teacher that made you analyze various poems? I was never a big fan of poetry, and Shakespeare? While there is a beauty to the way the words look upon the page and how they sound, I'm still not picking up poetry for my reading materials. In college one of my professors gave a couple of different options for a particular project: give a lesson for a whole class period upon a designated book, create multimedia presentation influenced by a specific writer or write a poem inspired by a poet and write a brief paper on the connection. Being overwhelmed with numerous other projects, work, and all I thought, "hey a poem should be easy!" My professor, unbeknown to me, was a rather famous poet... yeah my poem didn't do well.

Preparation

I am one of those girls who upon having a special date or night out with friends will take hours (as in two) to prep for the event. I'll tear apart my closet looking for the perfect outfit and coordinating shoes. And then there's doing my make up and hair, and picking out the right jewelry to look put together, but not like I'm trying too hard. This time I know I need to prepare myself for something much better.

The Truck Goes Down

Yesterday I had a meeting in the town next to mine and it takes just over a half hour to get there. I love early mornings when the frosty mist stills hangs about and everything is fresh and cool. It as if the night couldn't leave without letting some of its shadows hang about so the world is cloaked in sheer gray. The truck was working just fine and I made it to my destination smoothly. I made plans with my best friend to get together to modify and update my resume after the meeting ended. I was filled with joy and thankfulness- I was able to drive again, I was going to see my best friend and not have to bum a ride to an important meeting! YAY! Things did not go as planned.

Driving Home

Fresh air pouring through the driver's side window open, the sun just hanging above the horizon glowing gold, and clouds building up before me- this was my drive home. I would love to say that it was hitch free, but there were a few hick-ups along the way. However, I made it home. It's almost unbelievable, it is done. I just to pause here and not think about what has to come next or what else needs to be done. I want to relish the fact that this HUGE, complicated and difficult project is finished. Let me explain:

Fight or Flight

Looking back I can point out places where I've made mistakes: bought the truck when I knew I shouldn't, quit the job though I ought to have waited, and many more. It makes me wonder if I have screwed things up too much, that perhaps God's plan for me is somehow lost or impossible because of the choices I've made.

Almost There

Great news! It looks like I'll be driving my truck, now dubbed The Sasquatch, on Monday! It is unbelievable how much I've learned through the process of replacing The Sasquatch engine, clutch and completing the numerous other repairs.

Through the weeks and hours I've discovered:

Into Mechanics

About mid-September or so, my truck basically died on me. And not just died, it blew up- in this case the engine literally blew up. And so for the last couple of months I've been carpooling and bicycling around. Since where I live it rains 9+ months out of the year, biking around isn't very... safe. Over the Christmas holiday one of my uncles donated a rebuilt engine to me. Thus beginning my journey into the mechanic realm.